JOKES

PAYDAY

A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday" I asked, "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"

HOMELESS WOMAN

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her billfold, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some chocolate with it instead of dinner?” “No,” I had to stop chocolate years ago, the homeless woman replied.

Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” the woman asked. “No,” I don’t waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?” the woman asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless woman. “I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!”

“Well,” said the woman, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my husband and myself tonight.”

The homeless woman was astounded. “Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”

The woman replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, And chocolate.”

POSH RESTAURANT

Two homeless guys are in front of a posh restaurant. One guy has his pants down around his ankles, the other has his index finger stuck in his buddies rectum. Needles to say the patrons and owner are very taken back by this, so the owner calls the cops.

The beat cop comes around to asses the situation and asks the fellow, "Why do you have your finger stuck in you buddies rectum like that?"

The homeless guy replies, "Well officer, my friend here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him throw up."

The cop, somewhat flustered says, "You're never going to make him throw up with your finger up his ass!"

The homeless guy quips, "Yeah, I know, but you just wait till I turn him around and stick it in his mouth."